I became unexpectedly pregnant in March of 2011. That was not planned and I was terrified. I eventually came to terms with it and was excited. A few weeks later, I miscarried.
After that miscarriage, I was very down. Work sucked. I struggled with a boss at work. She was very harsh to me. I was pulled in for chats multiple times about my attitude and basically told that I needed to fake it. Makes me wonder if she would have still said that to me if I'd been diagnosed with depression. As it was, I had anxiety over seeing her at work. I had my evaluation which sucked. I tried to get them to move it to the fall. They'd known what I had been through that year (grandpa and dog died, miscarriage) and they refused. I found out that colleagues I thought were my allies, weren't. People saw me as rude and distant. My hours got cut from 80% to 50%. One of the students I was working with was really tough. He was blind and non verbal and was getting violent so we were isolated for most of the end of that year. It was so lonely being at work.
After that miscarriage, I was very down. Work sucked. I struggled with a boss at work. She was very harsh to me. I was pulled in for chats multiple times about my attitude and basically told that I needed to fake it. Makes me wonder if she would have still said that to me if I'd been diagnosed with depression. As it was, I had anxiety over seeing her at work. I had my evaluation which sucked. I tried to get them to move it to the fall. They'd known what I had been through that year (grandpa and dog died, miscarriage) and they refused. I found out that colleagues I thought were my allies, weren't. People saw me as rude and distant. My hours got cut from 80% to 50%. One of the students I was working with was really tough. He was blind and non verbal and was getting violent so we were isolated for most of the end of that year. It was so lonely being at work.
While all of this was happening, I was still hoping for my period to show. AF was a total bitch and a no show for ages! My cycle was very irregular and went from a 28 day cycle before I got pregnant to a random all over the place cycle after. My first cycle lasted 107 days, the next one 76 days and the third 42 days. Those three cycles combined were about 8 months.
In September, I decided I needed something to focus on. I rejoined Weight Watchers and started losing weight again. It was nice to have a focus outside of TTC especially when I couldn't be a part of the regular TTC crowd with totally crazy cycles. From Sept-Jan, I lost 33lbs.
Let's be honest, I know this is nothing compared to what others deal with and what their "dark place" would be. But this was my journey and one of the darkest times of my life thus far.
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Let's be honest, I know this is nothing compared to what others deal with and what their "dark place" would be. But this was my journey and one of the darkest times of my life thus far.
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