Why "My Dark Place"?

I met my hubby online playing World of Warcraft in April 2008. It didn't seem important to be at the time because I was dating someone else. Our friendship changed into a romantic interest (at least on my part) near the end of the summer as I was realizing that my current boyfriend wasn't a long time relationship type of guy. When I broke up with that boyfriend in the fall, we started talking more and lost interest in other people.

We met in person in March 2009, almost a year after we started talking and playing World of Warcraft together. We had an instant connection. He visited me for a week over spring break and we spent all day every day together. It was the best time of my life.

We only had a few visits in the time that we were dating and it was difficult. After the March visit here, I took a trip to Nevada to visit him in July. A few other WoW friends came as well and we had a blast meeting everyone and camping together.  After that, we planned for an October (Thanksgiving) trip, but he surprised me by showing up for my birthday (Sept 21).

Our last trip while dating was Christmas. My whole family visited my grandparents in So Cal and he drove from Nevada to meet us on Christmas Day. We turned around and drove back to Nevada on Boxing Day. He proposed on New Years. It was supposed to be 12am but he surprised me earlier in front of his grandma when we walked her home at 8. He then proposed shortly after 12 in front of the rest of them.

We had two visits while engaged. He came in February for counselling, Valentine's Day, working on our immigration paperwork and a short visit. I'm pretty sure I went down to visit in March for my 2 week spring break.

The next visit was JULY! Wedding time! We got married on the 3rd and then drove through all of Washington on the 4th. The fireworks were so pretty and they were everywhere! We crashed at a friend's place and then started on our honeymoon. We spent a week at Disneyland and went to Six Flags. After that we went to visit my grandparents in So Cal and then back to his place in Nevada where we spent the summer. I sat around and did nothing most days while he was at work. However, I did learn how to drive a stick shift and drove to meet a friend at the gym most mornings around 4am. I also attended weight watchers meetings throughout the summer. I lost an additional 10lbs that summer on top of the 20 I had already lost before the wedding.

At the end of the summer I had to go back to work and he had to stay in Nevada. It was so hard to leave because I had no idea when we would be together again. Then at the beginning of september, my grandpa died. I had thankfully seen him in July in So Cal, but I didn't really get to say good by. I got to see hubby at his funeral and had a visit with him in Nevada as well. It was nice to see him but the reason I was down was not good. I planned a trip in October where we packed all hubby's stuff and cataloged it for when he moved.

His paperwork came through right around the time of my trip so he gave his 2 weeks and moved up as soon as he could.

We moved into my parents place here and thankfully were able to live rent free until they made a basement suite 11 months later. Then we started paying them rent. Rent for privacy? Good trade imo!

We got our first BFP on April 7 and it was a surprise. We were preventing with condoms but not hormonal birth control. The baby was a result of one single night of no protection. Yes, ladies, it can happen. I miscarried a few weeks later before hitting 8 weeks gestation. I struggled for a long time with it.

(MY DARK PLACE)

After that miscarriage, I was very down. Work sucked. I struggled with a boss at work. She was very harsh to me. I was pulled in for chats multiple times about my attitude and basically told that I needed to fake it. Makes me wonder if she would have still said that to me if I'd been diagnosed with depression. As it was, I had anxiety over seeing her at work. I had my evaluation which sucked. I tried to get them to move it to the fall. They'd known what I had been through that year (grandpa and dog died, miscarriage) and they refused. I found out that colleagues I thought were my allies, weren't. People saw me as rude and distant. My hours got cut from 80% to 50%. One of the students I was working with was really tough. He was blind and non verbal and was getting violent so we were isolated for most of the end of that year. It was so lonely being at work.

While all of this was happening, I was still hoping for my period to show. AF was a total bitch and a no show for ages! My cycle was very irregular and went from a 28 day cycle before I got pregnant to a random all over the place cycle after. My first cycle lasted 107 days, the next one 76 days and the third 42 days. Those three cycles combined were about 8 months. 

In September, I decided I needed something to focus on. I rejoined Weight Watchers and started losing weight again. It was nice to have a focus outside of TTC especially when I couldn't be a part of the regular TTC crowd with totally crazy cycles. From Sept-Jan, I lost 33lbs.

On my fourth cycle, about 40 days in, I got my second BFP (January 15). Because it was so irregular, we had a dating scan. Thankfully we did, because dating by AF would have put me due two weeks sooner and scared us when the Dr tried the doppler.

The pregnancy wasn't without its scares and worries, but we made it though with no complications. At the end of my pregnancy, I was induced due to low fluid levels at 41+2 and Carlo Glenn was born early morning at 41+3.

Life went on. Carlo grew up. He nursed well. He grew quickly. He walked early. Life was good. Shortly after Carlo's birthday, I suddenly realized it seemed like I was miscarrying. I took a test and it came back positive. I got blood work done to check my levels and yes, I was miscarrying a baby that I didn't even know I was pregnant with. There was sadness, but a different, lesser level of sadness. I hadn't known about this baby for a month before losing it. We were already planning on trying again for another baby and so we did. And we caught the egg immediately following my 2nd miscarriage.

That pregnancy progressed well, with no complications again. We had hoped for a homebirth but when I was still pregnant at 41 weeks, my BP jumped and risked me out so we had another hospital birth at 41+5. No induction necessary this time.