NSV for me

So this happened yesterday. Three months ago and 15lbs heavier, I couldn't tie the wrap in front and had to tie it under her bum or do a different carry. This felt so amazing to be able to do! This is a size 3 woven wrap without tapers which I always found meant that it wrapped smaller.

Six months old

She's 6 months old now. Within 2 days she went from not being able to sit, to sitting up playing with her brother. It's so cool. She's such a foodie. She loves eating and she'll grab the food off of the plate before we even dump it onto her tray! She hasn't disliked anything so far but she made funny faces at some veggies when she tasted them. She's starting to crawl. She can get places but she's not on her knees yet.

Five months old

I can't believe my baby is 5 months old. Time really flies. The days are long, but the years (months in her case) are short. 

It's amazing and crazy to think back on what Carlo was like at 5 months. His rough sleep patch started at 4 months with the sleep regression and continued into 5 months where I was unable to transfer him into his bed. That led to bedsharing. Well with Sierra, we often bedshare part of the night already, but there have been no immediate wake ups from a dead sleep just from transferring her onto her mattress. Obviously things can change, but for now, she's a pretty amazing sleeper for a baby.

It's unbelievable to think that she's my best sleeper at the moment too. Carlo is working on his 2 year molars and sick, so after 45 minutes of sleep for me, I'm up now.

Sierra sits around 65 cm tall and 14 lbs. She is growing around the 35/40th percentile, which is so different from Carlo who was 85/90th. It's neat to see how different they are. She is wearing size 6 month clothes and has a lot of growing room left in most of them. She is exclusively breast fed. We wait until 6 months + and sitting before starting baby led weaning. She is so excited about food though. She has teethed on carrots and celery already and FLIPS her shit if she drops it. I hope she's a foodie and not as picky as her brother.

Sick

We're sick. Sierra is sick. Carlo is sick. I am sick. So far DH seems to be the only one NOT sick. And guess who is up right now and won't go back to sleep. CARLO. I'm exhausted, I'm sick, I'm pissed. And I did 3 a.m. duty yesterday morning with him. Being a SAHM sucks sometimes. If I was working, the wake ups would be shared a bit more evenly. So much for my thought that DH would handle toddler wake ups once baby arrived... that only happens as long as he doesn't stay up.

What brought me out of the "Dark Place"?

Working in a school, I thankfully had the summer off away from my boss and all my colleagues to relax but I still had anxiety over returning to work. Getting back on Weight Watchers really gave me something to focus on while TTC and to take my mind off my boss and drama outside of work.

Losing weight and blogging that journey (which is going on again over here to a lesser degree at http://gettinskinnywithww.blogspot.ca) took time and took energy away from that worry. I looked forward to my weigh ins and getting the stickers and recognition for each 5lbs of weight I lost!

Then of course finally conceiving really brought me up. The boss that I had issues with retired (at the end of 2012 school year just as I went on mat leave of course *eye roll*). It was a relief to know that if I returned to work (I didn't), that I wouldn't have to deal with her again.

What was my "Dark Place"?

I became unexpectedly pregnant in March of 2011. That was not planned and I was terrified. I eventually came to terms with it and was excited. A few weeks later, I miscarried.

After that miscarriage, I was very down. Work sucked. I struggled with a boss at work. She was very harsh to me. I was pulled in for chats multiple times about my attitude and basically told that I needed to fake it. Makes me wonder if she would have still said that to me if I'd been diagnosed with depression. As it was, I had anxiety over seeing her at work. I had my evaluation which sucked. I tried to get them to move it to the fall. They'd known what I had been through that year (grandpa and dog died, miscarriage) and they refused. I found out that colleagues I thought were my allies, weren't. People saw me as rude and distant. My hours got cut from 80% to 50%. One of the students I was working with was really tough. He was blind and non verbal and was getting violent so we were isolated for most of the end of that year. It was so lonely being at work.

While all of this was happening, I was still hoping for my period to show. AF was a total bitch and a no show for ages! My cycle was very irregular and went from a 28 day cycle before I got pregnant to a random all over the place cycle after. My first cycle lasted 107 days, the next one 76 days and the third 42 days. Those three cycles combined were about 8 months. 

In September, I decided I needed something to focus on. I rejoined Weight Watchers and started losing weight again. It was nice to have a focus outside of TTC especially when I couldn't be a part of the regular TTC crowd with totally crazy cycles. From Sept-Jan, I lost 33lbs.

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Let's be honest, I know this is nothing compared to what others deal with and what their "dark place" would be. But this was my journey and one of the darkest times of my life thus far.